Once the dust starts to settle on life again after a crisis you start to notice that the rhythm of life takes on a new beat. You wake up, go about your day but realize that something is very different. There’s almost an echo in your head, a constant reminder that things aren’t normal. They might look normal to you and to others, but there is that gut feeling that they are not. You feel that your nerves are raw. You are more sensitive to lights and sounds.
I remember how strange everything felt to me when my daughter came home from rehab. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before. We had a bond like no other. To look at her you would feel sunshine coming out of her. She was and still is the most caring person I have ever known. It’s important that I keep in the front of my mine that I am grateful to just have her home and alive. There are days that I wanted to blame her for all the pain she caused all of us. I wanted her to feel the betrayal that I had felt from her, I just wanted her to feel pain. Then in the midst of my own pitty party, I realized that she had felt more pain than any of us. She had felt the pain of almost losing her baby, the pain of disappointing everyone who loves her and most of all the pain of her loss of self respect and love for herself. Then my pain began to soften into empathy for my child. I felt my anger leave me and the healing inside of me began. I know I loved her more than anything in the world and I had to forgive her. For the pain was now hers to deal with and for her to be able to work hard on herself to keep herself clean. The days are getting better and brighter, gone is my anger and resentment. I still shake my head in disbelief that all this actually happened. We live now in the present. We don’t look back and we don’t project tomorrow. We are just grateful for today.
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